Me First

“How codependent I’ve been.

Someone else’s pain, anger or instability-

I’d make it all my responsibility.

The pleaser. The rescuer and martyr.

Even though I knew. I was always smarter.

But always felt guilty.

And didn’t know how to be me.

And everything was always fine…

When it wasn’t. It’s the shame that does it.

So when I made my first boundary it felt selfish and crazy.

And when I found the courage to respond with my real needs, I discovered my humanity. And realized that helping others doesn’t begin with them, it starts by healing me.

With the words: I’m worthy.”

Tanya Markul

I used to believe I was meant to give of myself and my time to everyone else, prioritizing their needs and wants. First looking outward, tweaking all of the things to make sure everyone was content. And only when I felt all of the things were in their place, and everyone had what they needed did I look inward and ask what I needed. I went on that way for a long time. Constantly puttering and pouring, calloused with resentment. When I finally got to take a breathe, it was spent trying to drop the load. Rest helped my battery recharge just enough to keep moving, but not to thrive. Any time spent purely on myself was mixed with guilt. I held myself to these made up standards, upholding the “shoulds” and “have tos” over my own needs. Without even knowing it, I was creating an utterly exhausting way of life.

But isn’t that what we are supposed to do? As a wife, a mother, a strong independent woman? Do all of the things, while constantly proving to the world that you’ve got this, that you are productive and providing, generous and good. Wait on everyone, anticipating their needs, making life run smooth and easy. Our needs get stuffed into back seat, only heard once they are screaming at us over the radio of our endless to do list.

I would have kept it up too, this “selfless” living. Until grief slammed me into a brick wall of depression. My capacity to function at all became pretty much nonexistent. I could barely get out of bed, let alone take care of chores and meals and bills and kids. I had to intentionally take every minuscule step. I had to start from square one, to make conscious choices about what to do with the itsy bits of energy I could conjure. Listening to my own needs became necessary to survival. So, while engulfed in the darkness I focused my attention inward.

It took millions of tiny acts of self love to begin to slowly heal my broken heart.

I began to learn what it feels like to give to myself. To fulfill my needs first.

To my surprise, creativity and generosity began to flow organically.

Motivation returned. Play and fun followed.

And I realized that selfless way of living just leaves your soul an empty cup.

But, if you fill your cup, yourself first, it automatically pours over to what and who is around you.

And here’s the thing that really got me- What do I want to model for my daughter about living a meaningful life? To believe the lies of martyrdom, that as a woman she must sacrifice as much of herself as she can possibly bear for everyone else, leaving just enough to keep surviving?

Hell No!

I want her to listen to her own needs, to follow her own heart wherever it may lead her. To say no to things that do not fill her up. To surround herself with people that harmoniously give and take. To look inside herself to unearth the next right thing. To know her worth and to uphold personal care as necessary and good. To show love to herself first, and pour out from a place of abundance instead of scarcity.

And don’t get me wrong, it’s a continual process to transition.

35 years of patriarchal bullshit is ingrained in my bones.

The guilt is real.

The struggle to be free is littered with the fear of being seen as selfish.

Switching my focus from selfless to self love requires conscious effort to prioritize my healing, growth and happiness above all.

And to remind myself that coming from a place of worth and peace provides expansive capacity and ability to express love and kindness outward.

Focusing inward isn’t self centered or selfish.

Just because you prioritize your needs, doesn’t mean you are ignoring the needs of others.

To the contrary in fact.

In consciously making this switch, you may find you have more to give to others if you give to yourself first.