Kindness

“Be gentle with yourself, and kind too.” Her words kept repeating in my head.

Just that past week I had found myself on the edge. As I frantically walked along the wooded pathway next to the frigid fast moving stream I thought about hopping in and floating away. The pain was just too much to bear. I wanted it all to go away! There was so much piled on top of my shoulders I was already drowning.

I had spent the last few months trying to “get back to reality” after my dad’s unexpected passing. I continued on with life allowing my muscle memory to lead. If I just kept moving I would be ok, I’d get through this. But the quietness would creep up behind me, grabbing my chest and covering my mouth. My muffled screams echoed in my mind.

The thought of being gentle and kind to myself was so distant, I had to think hard about what that even meant. I spent the next two weeks focusing on healing and making a plan to get back to a new reality. A reality that required patience, forgiveness, grace, and rest.

Cocooned in my mother’s arms, I could breathe again.

I bathed in rays of sunshine, feeling grounded, barefoot on the grass.

I came back to my mat where I reminded myself to breathe into the painful parts.

I watched glorious sunset after glorious sunset, brilliant radiant hues over the lake.

I swayed to the blues, letting the music penetrate my heart, letting my tears wash over my pain.

I cried, I laughed, I swam, I breathed, I sat by the fire under a blanket of stars.

At the end of the two weeks I felt better than when I had arrived. I was still struggling, but knew I had gathered enough strength to return to a new routine. I was no longer afraid of the quiet. It was still painful but I had found some armor to fight the silence.

As I sit here now I cannot help but be proud of how far I have come. I spend a lot of time diving into the silence that used to engulf me in agony. I sit quietly and think, write, soak, breathe. I talk to people who are willing to bear witness, who are empathetic and truly listen. I have found that being gentle and kind to yourself is essential to being able to carry this unbearable weight of grief.